Thursday, 16 June 2016

My freshmen year - what I've learned


Today I finished my freshmen year in high school (which for you will be yesterday). That's absolutely crazy. It has been a year for me with ups and downs - and I thought I had experienced those before. But you live and you learn, and I have learned this year.
What have I learned? Well let me tell you my story, and give you a little behind the scenes for what has been going on outside of this blog.

I absolutely loved high school the first month. My summer had been terrible because I had been so nervous about starting in a new class with new people and I knew no one except one person. It was scary. It was terrifying walking through the doors the first day. But all the nervousness had been a waste, because it was absolutely amazing. But read the first line again: "... the first month".

I lived in my own little world, happy and satisfied it weren't as bad as I had thought it would be. But then I realized: I was there, but I wasn't. I watched all the others find their new BFF's and getting into new groups. But I didn't. I didn't find my new BFF, I didn't fit into the group of the cool kids, I didn't fit into the other groups either. There was no place for me, I was just Sofie and alone.

I tried to fit in. Trust me I tried. I tried really fucking hard; I changed my clothes and style - or I didn't wear colours, I just wore black, white and grey like the rest of them. I did something to my hair every morning because I was scared it would look messy ( A thing I never had bothered to do before - and still don't). I changed myself to fit in and to find my new BFF and to find my perfect group and to have the time of my life like the others - but I didn't. I still did not fit in.

It was also in this time I stopped blogging in a few weeks. I felt judged by being a blogger, and I didn't have the energy to fight that feeling too. I used all my energy in the school, trying to fit in, getting into conversations, and just on what the heck I should wear. And all of this energy I used on trying to please, didn't work at all. So when I got home I didn't want to blog, I had already done so much to myself for the school, I couldn't do something on a blog now. And I didn't feel like myself at that time, and it seemed so stupid to tell you about "how good my life was" when all I did was try to fake it to be good and fake myself. I lied to myself, and I guess I couldn't bare to lie to you too.

I kind of got in. I spend some time with a few of the girls. But then again, Is till felt left out. I wasn't no. 1. And that's okay! You can't always be no. 1. But the feeling you get when you feel like they don't even bother talking to you, well that sucks. Because you are standing outside, with one foot in, and can just feel the warmth of the friendship, but you aren't allowed to get any closer.

So what did I do? Well, I gave up. I gave up the fake person I was creating. One day a thought hit me: "What if I already have met my BFF, and that's why I can't find her here?" That thought really helped. Johanne (who I've mentioned a couple of times now) is my best friend. I have not seen her for a year because she is in exchange in Austria. I miss her. But now there is only one month left.
But I missed a real friend. And even now when I've been in my new class for a year, I still don't feel like I know them 100%, and they don't know me either. It was hard not having a friend around who knows you, and you don't have to change for. I know I had my boyfriend in all of this, and I'm so thankful for him - but he has always been more than just a friends, and that's never really the same, is it?

So I was myself and created this "fuck it" attitude. I began blogging again, and I've never been happier about it than I am in this moment I'm writing this. I began talking to a group of other girls. They are nice and they are still the girls I talk to now. I don't feel like I'm on the outside anymore. And I left school for two weeks for Christmas holidays with a great feeling in my stomach, that "now it will get better, Sofie". 
And it did get better! January was the happiest month of my life even though it was so cold I could freeze my toes off. But I was happy. I was genuinely happy.

No rainbow is created without a little rain, and of course I had to have a huge grey sky hanging over my head for a few weeks - again, but worse. I couldn't be happy no matter how hard I tried to be it, I just didn't win the battle against the rain. I went to talk to a really nice lady, and after three hours of talking, I felt ten times lighter, and like I could fly. I have worked with myself so much the last couple of months that the grey cloud hasn't made it's return since. Every time is comes close, I have learned how to push it away.

So how am I right now, after a freshmen year of battles? I'm great. I'm feeling so great. I have never been happier this whole year to be honest. Yesterday something so good happened in my personal life, AND in my blogger life, which you hopefully will be able to hear more about soon ;)

Don't forget yourself and who you are. You will become a better you, and love yourself even more. Don't lie to yourself. Don't make yourself someone you don't feel comfortable in. Just be you, and you will be fine. That's what I learned. And it took me 10 months. Don't let it take this long for you, start now.

And to make it clear; I didn't only have bad times in high school. I created this blogpost to explain the ups on downs the past 10 months, and how it also have been affecting me in my blogger life. High school also let me meet some amazing people, even though we are not BFF's, I still like them and I hope they still like me. I like myself again now, because I am truly myself. I went to L├╝beck in Germany with my class, my art class opened my eyes for art museums as we visited Louisiana. I went to see a theater-play with my class. I went to my first ever galla (prom), and I loved dressing up for it. I also have good memories from my freshmen year, don't think it all have been a battle. Like I said before: You can't have a rainbow without a little rain - but you can't have it without the sunshine too.
And most importantly; high school also taught me how to party! - But it haven't taught me how to dance, yet (hopefully). ;)

Two more years of high school is left for me now. And after this year, I'm ready to do it, and get the best out of it.

Until next time, 


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