Tuesday, 10 October 2017

Am I a nerd?

Am I a nerd? It is a question I've asked myself a lot lately. And is it a bad thing to be a nerd? What defines a nerd?

A few weeks ago I had an experience in school which was not nice at all; not nice for my mind and not nice for the way I think about myself and not nice for the way I think people see me. I struggle a lot with not feeling good enough and I always have a feeling that I annoy people or get them on their nerves.
I'm a conscientious and dutiful student, so when I had the experience of being called out (negative) in the middle af a class, just because I answered correctly on a question I was shocked. In the middle of I class i normally really enjoy I felt naked, attacked and on display in front of 23 other students, just because one of my fellow students (and a few ones who agreed loudly) called me out loud a nerd in class. I had never imagined people would do that.

It was not said in a positive, admiring or caring way. It was said harsh and negative. And how do you react to something like this, you didn't even know people thought about you? You didn't even think about yourself? Does my teacher see me as an annoying, nerdy student because I want to be good, get good grades and says every answer? As a person who always thinks too much, I didn't need those kinds of thought about myself to worry about too. How do you say to yourself it's okay, and how do you get yourself up from the bed the next morning and back into that class who humiliated and made me feel so bad about myself?

I tried to tell myself, that they were just jealous because I get good grades and is clever enough to understand the Iliad by Homer. But it is f*cking hard to think that positive and that good and that "I'm the best" kind of way when that was exactly what I was being bullied about the day before.

So I just said to myself it is hell of a good thing to be a nerd. Being a nerd only means you're interested and good at something. And I happen to like school, and subjects like religion and Greek classical studies and Danish and English. And therefore I'm  a nerd because I find it interesting to do my homework on those subjects as I want to know more and more and more about this.
But I'm also a nerd when it comes to fashion. I'm a nerd when it comes to Taylor Swift. I'm a nerd when it comes to Instagram, photography, creativity and art. But why is it only school stuff that makes you a nerd?
Maybe you are a nerd on blogs, and just randomly came across this post, and now you think about it you're a nerd on something because you like to read blogs. Maybe you also like to play badminton, and that makes you a nerd in badminton too.

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To be a nerd doesn't have to be a bad thing. And I'm trying to tell myself this every day when I walk to school now, and I've done it the past two weeks.

I would say I know myself pretty good; I know who I am, how to handle myself when I'm stressed, sad, mad, frustrated, I know how to take care of myself and I know what makes me feel happy and good. But I didn't know how to handle myself in a situation where other people played the second role. Normally it's always just me and my thoughts against each other, but this time it was me as a whole who was against someone else. And if I have learned something from this, it is I'm so sure about who I am now, that I'm able to connect myself and my rebellious thoughts and defend myself - because I do f*cking know who I am, and people shall not tell me who I should be or how I should act. I do know now, after years and years of my mind and thoughts to cause me trouble and bad thought and feeling on myself - I now know, that I am whole now, my body and brain is able to collaborate and defend myself now. I'm good as I am. And so are you, whatever your nerdy skill are; whether it is school, sport, music, cars, clothes etc.

Haters gonna hate!

Until next time,
xx Your nerdy Sofie

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